mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
