Your face is a jimmy john
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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