"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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