It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
