Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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