shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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