My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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