i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I fill condoms, not promises.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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