Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
