as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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