textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Randomize
