You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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