Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
