Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
