yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
