So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
