mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
