I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Randomize
