I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Randomize
