At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Everclear isn't food dammit
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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