We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Woke up backwards on a recliner
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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