life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
high people should be assigned attendants
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
