I will die if light touches me.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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