toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
