don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
