I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
