i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
