wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
