You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
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