Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
