Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
