Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
