The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You're a waste of cheezeits
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
