I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
