I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
