I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
