today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
