this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
