Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
