you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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