a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
