will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
