I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
