things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
this is an emotional support booty call
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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