In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
