I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
