I can tuck mytits in my pants
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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