I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
