i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
