I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
